February 17, 2019Erin Nicole
Cancer Sucks! I have cancer on both sides of my family and the odds are not looking good for my future in that respect. But I can’t focus on what could possibly happen. I take steps daily to intentionally work towards a better healthy body. Why? Because my father died at the young age of 64 from stage 4 cancer. I want to live to 100 making a positive impact and helping others prevent disease if and when its possible.
We found out about dad’s cancer status the day I interviewed for this full time state job working in active treatment at a psychiatric hospital. I still have the text messages from him telling me how scared he was and that he thought this was serious.
A couple weeks prior mom and dad were helping me move to a new place in King County, Washington. Dad had trouble lifting boxes and lifting even the lightest of boxes. I knew something was up because not even 2 weeks prior he was working his full time job as a vendor for grocery stores pushing heavy 10-12 tiered racks about 100-300lbs.
The initial diagnosis was pneumonia so they put him on antibiotics. It actually wasn’t pneumonia but they didn’t know until he continued to not feel better. So he went for further testing.
This was such a long process waiting for results, stage of cancer and treatment options. Cancer sucks the life out of you and your family. This wasn’t the first time we’d dealt with cancer for my father. 19 years prior he was diagnosed with kidney cancer when I was only 11. The treatment back then was to kill the kidney and adrenals that rest on top and that should prevent the cancer from spreading.
Unfortunately it didn’t. The technology doctors had back then wasn’t strong enough to detect some of the cancer cells had spread but laid dormant on the other half of his body.
Cancer was back at it in my dad’s body. Right around this time I had applied and been scheduled to interview for this dream job working in a psychiatric hospital using the degrees I had gone to school for. I was beyond excited for this opportunity but also having a hard time dealing with the possible loss of my father.
I interviewed right around the time we found out he had cancer and it took a while for them to offer me the position (they needed approval from different departments). About 5-6 weeks after his diagnosis I started orientation at the hospital the week prior.
Less than 2 weeks later, I got a text from my mom. She tried to call me but I was driving for Lyft after work and had a customer in my car. I saw her message on the screen, “If you want to say goodbye to your father you better get to the hospital right now.” My heart was pounding and I started tearing up but I knew I had to keep it together and let this person off on the next corner to be picked up by another driver safely. The customer understood.
I rushed to the hospital. Family friends were in the room praying over my father and my mom was trying her best to keep her composure. Dad was still breathing but was asleep. My brother had recorded his daughter (my niece) singing a song. He lived across the country and had just flown to visit and see how dad was doing a few weeks back so he couldn’t make it this time on such short notice. I knew I needed to play a song from my niece for my dad. I opened the file on my phone and rested it on his shoulder. I could feel a gentle squeeze. He was in there listening. The last music he heard was that from his grand daughter. I continued to hold his hand and weep.
What seemed like seconds later was the slowing down of his breathing. His life-long friend Tim noticed he had stopped breathing. I was still holding his hand. I didn’t want to let go. I wasn’t ready. His hand began to get cold. I knew he was gone from this place. I still weep as I write this.
(Dad and I 2016 a few weeks prior to his passing. He was always open to taking selfies with me and loved to smile. Such a strong man to smile during such a scary time)
The following weeks at work were challenging to say the least. I took a couple days off but was so sad and crying all the time I felt like the best thing to do would be to distract myself with focusing on my patients.
My colleague, and licensed mental health therapist, asked if I would share what had happened during our group time in her Mindfulness group. It was really hard to do but I feel that helped bond me with the patients. One of the patients in that class had lost his wife to cancer and he was very kind to me after I shared that. We had bonded on a painful experience together.
Other patients colored me pictures or offered to fist bump me multiple times a day (we didn’t shake hands or hug patients for safety reasons). I think I got 20 colored pictures or drawings during that time. The staff was incredibly supportive as well offering to help me in anything I needed help with.
Over the course of the next month or two I asked my supervisor, Sue, if I could create some curriculum for the patients to get some creativity out for myself. I also wanted to give them something back that would benefit their health with my experience. I have a background in fitness instruction (about 12 years), education (former K-12 teacher and even taught college and geriatrics), and psychology and know the benefits of healthy bodies on the psyche.
Sue said “Sure you can create a program. We have a ton to choose from as well so don’t feel like you need to make your own. And I don’t want to be negative but the patients aren’t really into fitness. You might have a difficult time getting them to participate.”
I took her challenge and began to work on this program outside of work hours and asked one of my former colleagues and friend, Kathryn to take my picture for exercise pics before/after for modeling purposes. I know video is way better but they didn’t have wifi at the hospital so I had to make due.
(Most of the staff I worked with at the psychiatric hospital. I’m on the right next to my former supervisor Sue. Center with white pants is Kathryn. Left front is my colleague Sayaka and LMHT who co-led Move Happy with me 2017 St. Patty’s Day celebration)
I emailed the workout demo pictures to my work email, printed them and put them on color coordinated paper (red for cardio exercises, green for muscle fitness, and blue for flexibility). I also researched what it meant to be ‘happy’ in regards to empirical science papers. I assembled the content I found and asked my peers (licensed mental health therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, recreational therapists, occupational therapists) to provide me feedback on the journal I had assembled and the questionnaires I had created to measure happiness levels and fitness levels. From their reviews I revised it a bit and got ready for the next 16-week term.
Move Happy was birthed. I co-led the Move Happy course with a licensed mental health therapist Sayaka. She was a very popular staff as many of the patients requests to be in her classes because of her warm welcoming energy and her knowledge base.
(Me and Sayaka, as I dropped off a copy of my book to her for all her mentoring and support 2017)
The Move Happy course was a hit! We had about 85-95% participation from the first round and patients were laughing, dancing at times, and self-reporting happier moods throughout the course. I asked the patients for feedback at the end of the 16 weeks to make it even better for the next round. I added some revisions and we changed from a latin dance day to a yoga day. I also revised some of the questions to bring more clarity for the second round.
We ran the program another time and had at this point patients waiting excitedly outside of our classroom. One of the patients returned to the course round 2 and asked if he could write the journal prompt on the white board. Patients were starting to engage more and share more during the journaling/group discussion portion. The class was something I looked forward to at the end of the day before the long drive home.
Towards the end of the second round, I asked again for feedback and made revisions based on my own reflections, group participations suggestions and my colleagues suggestions.
Round 3 of Move Happy began! This time we added an intentional warm down with meditation the last few minutes of the group. Two patients were returning and I didn’t want them to get bored with the same questions. I added an optional challenging question within each so those that processed a little faster could opt for deeper and more thorough writing. This was a hit even with new participants in the Move Happy group!
Around this time, I began getting interviews in the hospital for a promotion to be in charge of an entire ward or second in charge if there was a psychologist assigned. I missed a couple classes to interview for this one Psych Associate position that I was so hungry for! I didn’t want to leave my position but at the same time the pay wasn’t covering my bills and I had to work a second job to make ends meet. This promotion would allow me some more time after work. I was driving before and after work some days for Lyft to make extra money and selling wellness/skin care products as a side hustle.
One day I came back from an interview and the patients were back on their wards. I was walking to my office and my colleague, Susan walked past me. She had covered that day for Move Happy. She said, “You know Erin I had the best time covering for you today. Your class was so laid out, the patients know exactly what is expected, one was helping write the journal prompt on the board, and I even enjoyed our workout. I’ll sub for you any day!”
I knew the program was duplicatable at this point. But I wasn’t sure if it was worthy of being shared outside of the hospital walls…
Until one day we had the end of the summer carnival…
The hospital has this tradition every summer to host a fun outside carnival for all qualifying patients (they had to participate in their group activity most days of the week to qualify and if medications were assigned take those regularly as well). The patients were beyond excited for this tradition!
This was my first year so I didn’t know what to expect. There were stations in the court yard and the patients could go to any station they chose. We had karaoke, ring toss, live bands, face painting, obstacle course, water balloon toss, and of course snow cones! There were probably 12-15 different stations.
I worked in one of the halls regularly and this was a chance for all patients to mingle outside for half the day with other patients in different halls. Morning half was elderly patients and the afternoon was the younger patients.
During the afternoon session two patients I had never met before walked up to me at the karaoke station. “Hey aren’t you the Move Happy girl?”
I said, “Yes I suppose I am. How’d you hear about it?”
“Oh {so and so} told me about your group and how much fun it was. We want to join your group but we live in a different hall!”
“Bummer!” I said, “Maybe I should figure a way to help other staff be able to teach it so more people can participate. What do ya think?”
They responded, “YES! They told us you make them feel like they can accomplish anything they set their mind to once they leave the hospital.”
I was so beyond excited to hear from these random patients. Word was spreading and I wasn’t expecting that.
All I wanted to do was give back to the patients that helped me through the most painful time in my life. I still was having tear sessions outside of work grieving over my father but this program and continually figuring out how to improve it was a healthy distraction.
(Initial logo of the Move HappyTM brand just got approved from the USPTO.gov and I’m offering a special discount till the end of the month on any coaching, speaking, or purchases. Click the image for products or email me for coaching/speaking needs.)
Continue reading for tips and please share with a friend or two that needs some examples of using pain to fuel themselves to bettering the world. I’d also love your feedback, leave any comments below.
From this painful experience of losing my father I have come up with some tips for you on how to use your pain to fuel you to positively impact others.
1. Remind yourself of your core values.
One of my core values is to give my best no matter how tired I am. I believe this goes beyond the schedule 9-5 job. When you give your best, you sometimes have to work overtime, or take pictures of workout demos during your lunch break. Think long-term and how much happier you’ll feel about how you chose to spend your time. No one ever regretted giving 100% of their energy and focus to something when it was from their heart.
(Me and dad on his visit to me in grad school 2010, he only had Sundays and Wednesdays off since for 19 years. Prior to that, he worked 6 days a week away from home to provide for us. He drove 4 hours on his one day off to see his baby girl. Hardest working person I’ve ever known)
2. Recognize it’s okay to cry and get outside help.
I was having a hard time with my grieving during my quiet time driving home from work. I felt anytime I wasn’t distracted by others I would just burst into tears. It got so bad it would hit me in the car when I was driving and was uncontrollable. It started to get worse and I was what the psychology world calls ‘ruminating’ on the loss of my father. I also was suffering some PTSD but didn’t recognize it then. I was the last person to touch his hand from life unto his death and had never experienced the loss of a loved one that close.
I didn’t have a lot of sick time built up yet but knew I needed some help. I looked for therapists that could work evenings and found one that worked with my schedule and personality. I saw her once a week and she was also available if I was having a crisis between sessions.
She helped me work through the pain and helped me set up a strategy for grief and self compassion. Best co-pay I had ever paid. After a few months I was feeling better and we switched to a bi-weekly then bi-monthly pattern until I felt like it was time to transition out of therapy.
If you’re thinking about getting a therapist or counselor, check online for resources or with your insurance for an in network provider. There are also group therapy sessions that often are free or low cost.
(My little sis Jhoana from BBBS and I took a trip to my graduate school. We got the honor of my former advisor Dr. Vicki Ebbeck giving us a tour and treating her to a fun time in the gift shop in 2017. This young lady really helped keep my mind on positive things during my grieving).
3. Listen to sincere compliments and act on them when enough people are saying the same thing.
Right around the late spring time of 2017 my former fiance and I were butting heads a lot. I called my best friend Jason up and asked him for guy advice. He suggested I become a life coach because I am always helping others and it would be a healthy distraction from the fighting.
So I used my tax return to buy my website and started the “Affirm Queen LLC.” Everything was new for me business-wise and exciting. I started this blog and started sharing positive affirmations that had helped me through my challenging times to get my mind in more positive places.
A few months pass and I’m dabbling on the weekends writing my blog and posting on my Instagram page my affirmations and prayers. Check it out here. Former fiance and I were still butting heads.
So I decided to take a trip to Helena, Montana to visit my best friend Jason during Labor Day weekend. The drive from Washington was about 9 hours and I had a lot of time to think. My fiance and I were both stressed about finances, I was focused on dreaming big and doing everything I could in my side hustles and he wanted me home more but didn’t understand that he wasn’t making enough for me to do that and neither was I for our dreams.
On the drive over, I thought about my book I had released the fall prior and the lack of sales I had. I hadn’t really marketed it because I released it a few days after the passing of my father and I really wasn’t happy with the book cover look. So I had this idea to use some of my side hustle money to upgrade my book cover. I hired a gal from Ukraine through the UpWork website. I was thrilled with her work to say the least!
I posted the book announcing a new cover and updated content and released it on my social media platforms. You can get a free digital copy of the book here or buy it on Amazon.
(The updated book cover so much better than the first one I paid $17 for initially)
I had some more think time during this mini-vaca on how I wanted to spend my time and what I wanted to pursue with my life. I remembered my supervisor encouraging me to be a life coach as well as my friend Jason saying the same thing.
I reached out to my bro that lives in Tennessee and said, “What do you think if I became a life coach?”
I value his opinion because he’s my brother but also because he’s been an entrepreneur in the music industry for over 17 years. Check out his YouTube channel here.
I love my bro. He said, “YOU’D BE PERFECT FOR THAT! What’s your domain idea? What about the Affirm Queen since you already have the Instagram for it.”
I hesitantly said, “Yeah that’s an option but I don’t have any extra money.”
Josh said, “Send me the domain you want. I’m buying it. Start saving and get your domain with your tax return.”
He knew I’d been struggling to find my true calling since I finished grad school and kept getting laid off from teaching and had to work 5 part time jobs at the same time. I felt demoralized and quite frankly worthless. I was so grateful for the job at the hospital, but it paid less than a first year teacher’s salary with a bachelors degree and I had a Masters. Times were tough for everyone it seemed because of the economy. But I’m no quitter.
So I looked to see if Affirm Queen was available and it was. My original plan was to have Affirmation Queen but it was too long for Twitter (Thank goodness! Can you imagine having to type that to find me?!).
He sent me the link to my new doman: www.AffirmQueen.com. I signed up for a business license in Washington and the LLC with my tax return and started blogging. I put my first product on my website: a signed copy of my book hand mailed to you. I still have this available from time to time but would prefer to sign books at events where I speak so I can thank the person who buys it immediately. If you are looking for a public speaker, email me.
(My bestie Jason and I in his Montana Home 2017)
Because Move Happy has transformed into my new branding I’ll be moving the domain soon to TheMoveHappy.com and also reachable at TheRealMoveHappy.Com (since that’s the same as my Instagram tag). I’ll notify you when that happens and you’ll still for a short time be able to access to the new domain through my AffirmQueen.com website as well for those who have been following my journey from the beginning.
There are more ways you can use your pain to fuel you to positively impact others. I’ll save those for my speaking engagements and if there is enough interest in this blog post to do a 2.0 version later. For now, there has been enough sad and happy tears released as I type that its time for me to let you go for now.
To stay in touch, follow my Instagram page @TheRealMoveHappy, Twitter @MoveHappyTeam, Facebook @AffirmQueen, LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/erin-nicole-61347a13b/ or my up and coming YouTube channel.
Thank you for reading!
Don’t forget to tell someone you love them today…
PS: If you could be so kind as to share this post with one person, you’d make my day. Thank you in advance!
PPS: I’m starting my first live round of my Elite VIP Leadership Course training future Move Happy coaches tomorrow. I have 1 spot left. If you want in, email me for an application. You’ll have access to the recorded live sessions if you can’t make join us and have full access to the week-by-week content as it is released. If you’d rather join the next round, let me know also and I can put you on my waitlist for the next time I run the course (Late spring 2019)!
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